Posts (page 2)

so i was going thru some old pics of myself
i seem to come across a lot with my docs. i love those pair of boots.
a pic holding my niece cassy when she was barely months old back in calil....
i think i may still have them up in my parents attic.  i believe my old cat, dopey, of 21 years, may have pissed upon them making them a quite bit useless.  but my love still remains for an old pair of 20-hole black leather doc marten's that i religiously wore every single day for 4 years+. the best boots i'd ever own...besides my 14-hole white doc's that i bought off of some strange guys in the back of a pick up for $20. some friend of pascale's that for some reason i went along with for the ride that day, but ended up with a slightly used pair of white 10 doc marten's....a pair i may have painted purple in the 90's, for some god awlful reason.  must have been the same reason i went to that SATB concert with that fucked up hair. you remember...the front bangs-glued-like-jail-bars-in-my-eyes doo that i may have sported under an old greek sailors cap in the 90's.  i said "i may have". there may be pictures somewhere... god hopes they never see the light of day~! i stilll have the boots though..to boot ;-)

besides my fav current song from ms. heap , this title suggests my recent mindset.
you see, my boy's name is ray.
i cannot seem to get enough.  i have this need to see him daily, increasing with everyday spent without him.  i feel so comfortable when i'm with him.  i realized that i do not like waking up with out him next to me.  i also realized that i have "side." of the bed that is.  when i'm here at home, alone, i seem to start the night on my side of the bed (the right) but end up on his, wihshing he was there. recently i've woken up thinking he was here when he wasn't, which thouroughly disturbed me.
you see, this makes me think that i am really falling in love? i question mark that because i'm still unsure.
when was the last time i said "i love you"? not too often, but too often enough not to be reutrned & not that long ago.
maybe i'm just scared of the phrase. maybe i'm just realizing that not every one is fucked up like my past.  maybe i'm just scared that it's going somewhere that i'm not used to. something normal.  i feel this to be strange yet very warming.
i'm becoming domesticated.  hell, i even ironed for him this morning. you know i love ironing so i don't mind.
now how is it i can say that i love this action (ironing) yet i cannot say that i love this other action (loving him)?
do i just need to say it aloud? get it out in the open? is it the possible non-reciopacting act that i'm scared of? do i need to ask? am i being a girl? does he think of these things? do others? why so many questions?

isn't there a manual for things like this?

i've finally done it. i've broken my phone.  well actually it still technically works.
i just cannot see anything as the screen is just blank.  not just white anymore but completely black.
while this may be ok for some, as i still have a phone that works while many are going hungry, the most important thing i lost is the power of screening. i cannot screen my calls!  i cannot be picky with who i converse with .
ok so that's not the only thing that sucks about it dying.  there's more...
i completely forgot to physically write down anyone's phone number.  now i thought about this a few weeks ago when it started to act all funky.  i signed up to myverizon.com and successfully backup-ed my whole address book. smart me, yes, but not so smart john.
so in my panic of realizing i can no longer see text messages (more of that in a bit) i log into my account only to find out that i stored my password ON MY PHONE!!!  so i try & try... & successfully lock myself out of my online account.  great! then i go to rest my password and guess what?!?'
they text the new temporary password to my phone! FUCK.
i think there is a karma phone rule that's screwing with me.  just 'cuz i dropped it last night onto the pavement while waliking into the theater last night, or just 'cuz i dropped it on ray's floor this morning when i woke up, or just 'cuz i threw it against the wall numerous times, i don't know.  stupid phone.
now it beeps at me when i receive & don't answer a text.
my lifeline is texting.  just how impersonal & simple text messages can be is one of the reasons why i love to text but how important & meaningful my text messages from ray is something completely different.  it's our contact while at work or a simple 'good night' that i will miss. for a week...
while i see this as the death of my phone (services later this evening) it's only for about a week.  i'll be in the dark until my upgrade date which funnily enough is in 7 days!!!
damn those karma phone rules.
so until the day when i go into the phone orphanage to pick out my new & shiny bouncing baby phone, i get to listen to the incessant beeps of a text message that will go unreceived & answer the phone to the unknowing.

tonight my cat & i laid on the floor, bellies up, feet dangling into the sky.
we pretended to be on the ceiling of some upside down world.

when ever i speak of the best songs to roller skate too...
or when i say "god this reminds me of the roller rink"
it's because of songs like this that make me think of the good ole 80's roller skating.
the same with journey's "don't stop believing". just a small town girl... couples only!
which was never me.
same with bonnie tyler's "total eclipse of the heart". turn around bright eyes...backwards skate only!
which i could never do.
all these things i miss so dearly.
tears for fears' "shout"
big country's "in a big country"
billy idol's "dancing with myself"
david bowie's "let's dance"
i'm afraid that's where my obsession started with bowie.
men at work's "who can it be now?"
maybe some hall & oats, among other travesties.

I suppose I get to explain where I am these days.

 When I stopped stressing and stopped thinking and stopped trying to make things happen, it all fell into place .  my friends are the closest ever, the really good ones.  They all told me “it happens when you least expect it.”  I’ve always heard that, just never believed.  I guess you could say I’m involved. ;-)  I’ve been seeing someone quite regularly now.  Like every day, every chance I take.  And I’m falling…

I cannot get enough and it’s never really happened to me like this.  I feel so comfortable with him.  I should as I’ve known him for years now, but it’s more of that I feel comfortable ‘cause its right feeling. You don’t get that often.    I beam with a smile whenever I think of him, hear from him, see him, etc… I’m so happy that it scares me.  Whatever happened to my moodiness has turned into this giddy girlie happiness. It’s strange to me that I’m so happy, but even stranger that it fell into place.  It just kinda happened.  It makes me think that all my life choices that I’ve made, even the most recent are the right ones.  I was right. Huh. I was right.

So I’m falling… yeah its happening.

I’ve even stopped seeing my ex on a regular basis, told him no more, I’m through.  This time I meant it and it stuck.  I’m happier than ever at my job, just a bit worn out, but none the less happy.  Financially I’m ok and even bought a new computer.  I even took a mini vacation to p-town. The best is he went with me.  I got to see my family. This time they all came out here. Happy again.  I’ve recently discovered that maddy hates thunderstorms and hides when they roll though.  resse needs more attention than anyone and aloe is getting so old that his arthritis hurts him so.  I want a new car, but probably because he sells them.  I want to move.  I love my place, always have but I need a house.  i need a place where I can make noise, especially if it’s with him. so i other words i'm good..no i'm happy.

I was going to name this post rubber ring, but only he likes those ;-)

my favorite song ever.

i am a moth, just wants to share your light.

a playlist of my top songs from the latter years of the cocteau twins.
one incidentally is a remix/cut up of the acoustic & regular versions of pink orange red which can be found at the link below. others can be found on their website cocteautwins.com
it makes a beautiful summer soundtrack...

round
a kissed out red floatboat
summer-blink
need-fire
fifty-fifty clown (bbc session)
three-swept
cico buff
summerhead
i wear your ring
ice-pulse
blue bell knoll
mizake the mizan
primitive heart
watchlar
mud & dark
pitch the baby - red tape version